How to Quit a Bad Habit

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The new year often brings about resolutions of one kind or another. The changing of the calendar year gives us an opportunity to look back on the past year of our lives and think about changes we want to make going forward. In this reflection, we can examine things that no longer serve us and decide to cut them loose and start fresh in the new year. Many people start January right on track, quitting smoking, dieting, eliminating alcohol or sugar, or other vices. Unfortunately, relatively few people stick with these commitments by the time the next new year rolls around. Through no fault of their own, many people don’t realize that often sheer willpower is not enough to successfully quit something and stick with it. Here, we’ll examine what behavioural science says about the most effective and enduring ways to make those quitting resolutions stick. 

There is any number of things people want to quit: from something as benign as biting your nails or spending too much time on the internet to life-saving decisions to abstain from things like drugs or alcohol. If you can get addicted to it or even just do too much of it, there is someone out there who wants to quit it. Bad habits can hold us back financially, emotionally, physically, and motivationally. Much of the time, we don’t even want to partake in bad habits but do so somewhat automatically.

The precise approach to successful cessation will depend largely on what you are trying to quit and what you, as an individual, find to be reinforcing and rewarding. Some amount of personal will power and commitment to stop comes into play as well. Despite all the individualized variables, behavioural scientists and psychologists agree on a few broad principles that can help you to end unwanted behaviours.

Share your intentions/goals with others

Studies show that sharing the intention to quit something with friends and family can be a powerful motivator. It can help you to feel both accountable to your plan and supported when you make the right decisions.

Team up to find support

Find someone else who is looking to quit something and join forces! Check-in with each other and share your strategies/progress/successes and failures. Even a simple text every few days can help keep you accountable, and it can make the process more fun and rewarding to do it with a friend. Some apps can help gamify the endeavour and turn it into a little bit of a friendly competition as well.

Change the way you talk about the habit

Researchers find that the language we choose to use to describe our choices can serve as a feedback mechanism that either enhances or impedes our goal-directed behaviours. Specifically, one study found that when people used the phrase “I don’t” instead of “I can’t” in reference to things like drinking alcohol and eating chocolate cake that they were more empowered in their choices and capable of making the desired decision to abstain. They also did so for more extended periods than those in the “I can’t” condition. (Hagtvedt, 2011)

Set yourself up for success

Prepare your environment to help you resist temptation. Set screentime limits on your phone or tablet or make sure to rid your house of whatever it is you’re trying to quit. Make a detailed game plan on how you’re going to tackle this habit and have faith in yourself that you can do it! 

Identify and avoid the usual triggers/temptations

Maybe there is a particular time or place or situation where you find yourself especially likely to engage in your undesirable habit. Try to identify these moments and have a game plan in place. If at all possible, avoid them until you’ve quit your habit for a bit of time. It’s a lot harder to avoid a drink at your favourite bar or a cocktail party than it is on a hike or at the ballet.

Substitute the bad behaviour for a good one

Try taking up a new hobby like knitting or drawing to keep your mind off of excessive screen time or make some tasty mocktails with juice to help with avoiding alcohol. Try chewing gum or sipping tea when the craving for cigarette hits. Maybe you bite your nails during movies, so try to bring along a healthy snack you can eat when you get the urge. 

Visualize yourself succeeding and plan a reward

Imagine what your life will be like once you’ve kicked this unwanted habit. Maybe you’ll have more money, time, or health to look forward to. Plan a reward to set your sights on, like a new item of clothing or a special treat or experience when you hit significant milestones of quitting. Remind yourself how far you’ve come by downloading an app that tracks how long it’s been since you’ve stopped. 

These tips, matched with strong willpower and commitment to follow through, will go a long way to helping you kick your habit. Remember that you’re only human, though, and slip-ups might happen. If they do, don’t beat yourself up and give in, just get back on track. Try to analyze what went wrong and do what you can to keep it from happening again in the future. Ultimately, you are aiming for progress, not perfection. Your bad habit wasn’t built overnight, and it will undoubtedly take some time for you to completely eliminate it, perhaps with some stumbles and pitfalls along the way. The important thing is that you are taking steps (no matter how tiny!) towards a happier, healthier you in the new year, and that is a reason to be proud. Happy New Year! 

REFERENCES AND FURTHER READING

The Importance of Family Traditions

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The holiday season is an excellent time to engage in long-held family traditions, or a fun chance to make up some new ones. Traditions help to bond families and can have many benefits for parents and children alike. Aside from being a lot of fun, traditions give us something to look forward to, something fun to reflect upon, and a satisfying way to engage meaningfully with those we love. Traditions are especially great for children as they bolster essential aspects of child development and strengthen family unity while creating loving memories for life. Traditions can help to cultivate a happy, healthy, and fun emotional climate for your family and are a great way to increase family cohesion while sharing joy with the ones you love.

Traditions can be any combination of stories, beliefs, rituals, and customs that your family maintains and passes on from one year to the next (and one generation to another). We use these rituals to mark certain celebrations or signify meaningful events. These actions promote a sense of bonding and group identity and help children to feel included and safe. Children crave warmth and joy, and they love repetition and knowing what is expected and what comes next. Traditions check all of those boxes and more, giving a consistent, predictable, and joyful way to engage as a family. The routine and rhythm of traditions in a child’s life can be comforting and soothing, especially when the rest of life can be so unpredictable.

These rituals can help to shape personal and group identity in children as well. Many traditions have cultural, regional, and or religious/spiritual roots and may help to introduce or reinforce fundamental values that your family holds dear or wants to instill in children. Traditions are a great way to celebrate your cultural heritage and also a fun time to express your family’s uniqueness. These behaviours can also be a thoughtful way to honour those we love that have passed. Making a late grandma's cookies every Christmas might help to keep her spirit alive in a sweet way. Honouring a tradition of a loved one who has passed allows you incorporate the memory of someone who is no longer with you while providing an opportunity to tell little ones more about someone they may not have known or remember very well. Explain to your kids the history of traditions if they are ones that are passed down. Talk about what it was like for you as a child to do them and how those traditions made you feel. 

Family traditions are wonderful things; it is a shame to relegate them to only one season or major holidays. Try to think about ways you might incorporate traditions into the rest of your year, as well. You might even have some you can do monthly, weekly, or daily. In many ways, a bedtime routine is a bit of an everyday tradition. Sitting down to dinner together as a family and sharing your day, or giving thanks together, is another lovely ritual for a family to practice. Some traditions are more unique or silly, like an after-dinner dance party or wearing a funny outfit to breakfast on Sundays. Get your kids involved in the genesis and execution of new family traditions - they might surprise you with their creativity!

While traditions can be funny and lighthearted, there is growing research that they also may have meaningful and lifelong benefits for children. There is even some research to suggest that engaging in routines, rituals, and traditions may be associated with advancing language and social skill development and might correlate with academic achievement. (Spagnola & Fiese, 2007). No genuine causal relationship between these things can be drawn; however, research suggests that routines and traditions might be an essential part of the organizational structure of a healthy and happy family dynamic. This secure and emotionally supportive family structure does causally affect these previously mentioned favourable developmental outcomes. Other research suggests that traditions can increase family relationship coherence, which, in turn, can affect many aspects of the developing child as well as the closeness of the parent-child relationship. 

The holiday season can often be overwhelming. It might seem like there's no time for you to meaningfully connect with your family in the midst of everything on your to-do list. That is why this special time of year is an excellent opportunity to start or re-instate some traditions in your home. They don't have to be elaborate or expensive or time-consuming; they just have to have meaning and be shared together. These rituals not only provide structure and joy to help to mark the passage of time, but they also create an opportunity to infuse cultural and personal significance into a hectic time of year that can often be chaotic and too commercialized. This year, take some time to slow down and mindfully engage in some rituals that make it easy for your family to celebrate what is really important - each other.

References and Resources 

How Does Media Affect Body Image?

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You can’t turn on the TV or open a magazine or browser window without coming across a highly stylized, edited, and unrealistic representation of beauty. Most media present a fictional, unattainable image of what "ideal" beauty is and typically that beauty is exceedingly thin and seemingly perfect. We internalize what we see around us, and the constant barrage of these kinds of idealistic images can have very real and very negative effects on our self-esteem, sense of self-worth, and our overall mental health. The constant comparison between our own real and imperfect bodies and those depicted in the media can also profoundly affect our body image. Body image is the perception of our physical selves and the thoughts and feelings that relate to that perception. Here, we’ll examine the relationship between what we see in the media and our body image and mental health. We’ll discuss how and why images in the media can be so damaging and ways to work to combat this phenomenon.  

 Our thoughts, feelings, and attitudes about our bodies are not just a result of what we see in the mirror. They're also shaped by what we see around us and societal norms of beauty in general. Media has long been using tricks like lighting and precise angles to makes models seem more beautiful and thinner and perfect than they really are. The advent of photoshop only added to the ability of advertisers to propagate these unrealistic images. It's no wonder then that when comparing our own very real and sometimes dimply, round, or blemished bodies to these impractical images that we can come away feeling less attractive. The problem is that these images we see in the media are not representative of how real people look. They are purposely deceptive, often with the ulterior motive of encouraging you to associate their unrealistic beauty depiction with some product or service they are trying to sell you. The average model is a size 0, 2, or 4, whereas the average woman is a size 10 or 12. This disparity is intentional and problematic. 

In addition to just making you feel "less than," these unrealistic portrayals can seriously negatively alter one’s body image. Body image directly relates to our mental health in several ways. People with negative body image have a greater likelihood of developing an eating disorder and are more likely to suffer from feelings of depression, anxiety, isolation, low self-esteem, and obsessions with weight loss. This phenomenon is not isolated to young girls. While it is true that adolescent girls are particularly vulnerable to these kinds of influences, we all internalize media and can have it negatively impact our sense of self. Men and boys are also affected by unrealistic portrayals in the media and can find themselves comparing themselves to others in terms of fitness, physique, or slenderness, among other characteristics.

We know that body image is both a result of the actual image we see and the internalization of that image, which are sometimes different. Proponents of the social comparison theory speculate that people rely on external models on which to form their own self-perceptions. That suggests that what you feel about your own body is as much about you as it is about those around you. While you can't do all that much about those that surround you in real life, you can make conscious decisions about the kind of bodies and the type of beauty you encounter in media. Making decisions to tune out or avoid unrealistic perceptions of beauty like those in reality or celebrity TV or advertisements and to include more body positive and unedited images of real people in the media you consume can help to shift your external model to more realistically depict the way other people actually look. 

In addition to trying to alter the kinds of media you consume, you may find that limiting media, in general, is helpful when possible. When you find yourself comparing your body to someone else, try to turn it off or tune it out. Some people may find it helpful to reframe the narrative and remind themselves that what they are seeing is not original life, and it is not representative. Keeping that perspective is essential. Try positive self talk to counteract any negative thoughts you have about your body. Incorporating more body positive and realistic media in your life can help with this as well. Lastly, vote with your dollar and your attention. Recognize when brands or shows are depicting unrealistic beauty standards and don't buy those products or watch those shows. Take note when brands or companies are showing real and representative beauty in their media and support it! You can also voice your opposition to unrealistic and unrepresentative media when you come across it. There is a significant shift to be more inclusive and real in ads lately, and while it certainly won't change overnight, it is refreshing and important.

Even with an influx of real beauty portrayed in media, it is unlikely that the media will stop the unrealistic portrayal of beauty in our lifetimes. In fact, with ever-increasing engagement on screens and new ways to advertise, we're likely to come across more images of unrealistic beauty each day than at any other time in human history. While we can take certain steps to limit this exposure, the most important steps we can take are within ourselves. Striving to accept our bodies exactly as they are and to love them and see them as beautiful for all that they do for us is a goal we can all work towards.

 

REFERENCES AND FURTHER READING

The Teen Brain

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Adolescence, the teenage years, and the transformation from child to adult is a tumultuous time full of physiological, psychological, social, and emotional changes. During these years, changes in growth and sex hormones elicit pronounced effects in the brain and body. The brain matures and shifts, reframing its ability to reason and plan as well as other essential functions. The massive flood of fluctuating hormones can also make for intense emotional cascades and volatility. Additionally, many mental illnesses first present themselves during this already difficult time. Here, we’ll examine some of the most significant and fascinating changes that go on inside the brain of a teenager.

The teenage years are, first and foremost, a time of growth in the brain. While the brain does not change much in overall size during these years, it undergoes significant shifts in terms of neurogenesis (the birth of new neurons) and synaptogenesis (the creation of new connections between neurons). The teenage brain can be described as highly “plastic.” Plasticity refers to the ability of the brain to mutate and change, often based on the environment or patterns of behavioural use. Because of this, the teen brain is particularly malleable, something that decreases with age. An old neuroscience adage is that neurons that “fire together wire together” and at no time is this more true than during the burst of growth and new paths forged during the teen years. This means that the teen years are a time where habits or behaviours (both good and bad) can become ingrained and hard to change later. This plasticity is part of why it is easier for young people to learn new things so such as a new instrument or language. Unfortunately, it also means their young spongey brains are more easily able to learn bad habits or addictions. Yet another reason that drug and alcohol use during this time is particularly harmful. However, this remarkable stage of plasticity also imparts an incredible capacity for resilience that we don’t always see in adult brains.

In addition to the growth and changes in the brain, hormones are flooding the bloodstream. A certain amount of emotional volatility during this time is normal, even expected, as the body learns to calibrate itself in the rush of a cocktail of new hormones that are constantly in flux. It can be hard to tell sometimes if certain behaviours or feelings are just the usual teenage angst or signs of something more serious. Interestingly, the vast majority of mental illnesses first present during the adolescent years. It is not known precisely why, but most psychiatric illness, including anxiety and mood disorders, psychosis, eating disorders, personality disorders, and substance abuse, seem to emerge between the ages of 11-18. In fact, 50% of mental illness begins by age 14, and three-quarters begin by age 24 (APA). If left untreated, these illnesses can have catastrophic effects on the quality of life for a teenager and beyond. Luckily, with early detection and intervention, most of these illnesses have excellent prognoses, and teens suffering from mental health problems can go on to lead happy and productive lives. Getting in the habit of seeing a mental health professional can have numerous benefits for teens. In addition to treating mental illness, many young people enjoy having an adult that is not their parent with whom they can be open and honest. A therapist is also a great resource to help teens to navigate some of the tough choices in their lives.

Speaking of choices, teenagers are notoriously bad at making them. That isn’t to say all teenagers make bad decisions, but when they do, it is often a result of the developing physiology of their brains. Adolescent brains are somewhere around 80% developed, and the remaining areas of the cortex develop over time from back to front. The very last section to finally develop is the frontal lobe, responsible for reasoning, planning, and judgment. Because of this delay, a teenager’s prefrontal cortexes, the areas of the brain responsible for what is called executive functions, self-control, and for thinking about the future, are not fully formed. These areas won’t be complete until much later in life, some researchers estimate as late as 25 or 30 years old! That means that while the rest of their brains, particularly areas associated with risk and reward, are hyped up on hormones, the part that tells the teen to slow down and consider the consequences of those actions is lagging. This is a recipe for risky decision making and poor foresight that, unfortunately, sometimes characterizes teen behaviours. This delay in the finalization of physiology is not an excuse for poor behaviour, but rather an explanation as to why sometimes even the best-meaning and formerly perfectly behaved teenagers can do reckless or impulsive things, especially when pressured by their peers.

The teenage years are a time of metamorphosis. The body and brain undergo massive restructuring and recalibration in order to mature and develop into an adult. At times these changes can be stressful and uneven. The transition from child to adult is not a smooth or seamless one, and nowhere is that reflected more acutely than in the body and brain. Learning about the physiological changes that happen during this time and having a loving support system can go a long way to helping take some of the burdens off of teens during this challenging but also unique and exciting time. Helping to establish a healthy lifestyle and encourage smart behaviours and decisions, as well as solid communication skills, are gifts that will serve teens well throughout their lifetimes.

RESOURCES and further reading

Panic Attacks and How to Cope

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Panic attacks are terrifying and can seriously interfere with daily activities and quality of life. If you've ever had a panic attack, you know the intense feelings that completely overwhelm your body and brain. In this post, we'll discuss what panic attacks are, how they work, and give you some tips and tricks for both treatment and prevention of these upsetting episodes.  While panic attacks are extremely unpleasant, they are both treatable and often preventable. Learning more about how panic attacks happen and what to do to manage them can be useful in preventing these incidents from disrupting life more than necessary. We'll outline some strategies to help understand the attacks, reduce the unpleasant symptoms, and regain control over these disruptive episodes.

We’ve all had the experience of feeling anxious at times and probably even feeling panicked. Recall for a moment what that feels like in your body- heart racing, palms sweating, dry mouth, your whole body on "high alert." This activation of a particular branch of our nervous system is an evolutionary advantage, commonly called “fight or flight” and helps to ramp up the body's defenses when faced with danger. There are times where this state of alertness serves us well- like when there is a threat to our lives or when we are faced with an imminent attack. For some people, however, the activation of fight or flight system gets out of whack, and the result can be an overwhelming bodily response that is not commensurate with the situation at hand. These incidents are called panic attacks. One of the hallmark signs of a panic attack is that is doesn't necessarily come about in a threatening situation, though it might. Some people have panic attacks seemingly out of the blue; some have reported even having them while sleeping!

Panic attacks come on suddenly and may recur. Some people only have one panic attack in their lifetimes, and others suffer from repeated attacks in what is known as Panic Disorder. Recurrent panic attacks are often triggered in a particular situation or environment. Panic attacks may occur in people that have no history of other mental health problems, or they might be part of another disorder such as anxiety, social phobia, or depression. They tend to run in families, suggesting a genetic component and typically emerge in teen years or early adulthood. Interestingly, women are twice as likely to suffer from panic disorder than men. Panic Disorder is relatively common, affecting as many as one in 75 people.

Some people who experience panic attacks report that they feel like they are literally dying. An immensely strong wave of both physiological and psychological sensations overtakes them, and they find themselves debilitated, completely immobilized by the intensity of the episodes. The following are common symptoms of panic attacks:

        1. Shortness of breath or hyperventilation

        2. Heart palpitations or racing heart

        3. Chest pain or discomfort

        4. Trembling or shaking

        5. Choking feeling

        6. Feeling unreal or detached from your surroundings

        7. Sweating

        8. Nausea or upset stomach

        9. Feeling dizzy, light-headed or faint

        10. Numbness or tingling sensations

        11. Hot or cold flashes

        12. Fear of dying, losing control or going crazy

There are many lifestyle changes you can make to help reduce the likelihood of panic attacks, and most of these changes are common sense tips that make for good health regardless of if you are suffering from panic attacks: 

1. Learn about panic attacks and how anxiety manifests itself physically. The references listed here are a great place to start. Sometimes understanding how and why panic attacks occur can really help to reframe the disorder and take some of the fear out of the experience. 

2. Avoid smoking, alcohol, and caffeine. These drugs can be harmful to anyone but particularly for people who suffer from panic attacks. Also, avoid any stimulants such as those sometimes found in cold medication as they can provoke attacks.

3. Learn how to control your breathing and practice mindfulness and meditation. Try taking a yoga class or downloading a mindfulness or meditation app. Controlled deep breathing can directly and instantly counteract the overwhelming physical symptoms of a panic attack. The more you practice using this important tool, the easier it is to employ it when you need it most.

4. Exercise regularly. Exercise is perhaps the single best health-promoting behavior we can practice. Particularly for anxiety and other mental health issues that manifest themselves physically, the benefits of regular aerobic exercise cannot be overstated. 

5. Stay on top of your sleep and your stress. Too little sleep and/or too much stress can leave you frazzled and vulnerable for an attack. Try to keep your hours of sleep up and your daily stress level down to keep yourself on an even keel.

6. Set up a support system. Be sure your loved ones know about your panic attacks and how to help you if you suffer from one. Let your support system know if there are particular situations or times that you are likely to suffer from an attack so they can be there for you to help.

These tips are a great place to start to help manage panic attacks but often times they are not enough and need to be paired with the guidance and supervision of a trained professional. Only a trained professional can diagnose panic disorder and can help to get a treatment plan in place. Please reach out for help if you or someone you love is suffering from panic attacks or struggling with something else. Many proven effective therapeutic techniques specifically work for people with panic attacks and panic disorder and can be tailored to suit each individual's needs. In most cases, through lifestyle and behavioral changes, therapy, and sometimes medications, people can reduce or even eliminate panic attacks from their lives.

References and Further Reading

Importance of communication in love relationships

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Communication is a cornerstone of the foundation of a healthy romantic relationship. Honest, open, and frequent communication is an essential ingredient in the making of joyful and long-lasting love. No matter how well you know someone or how “in sync” you are, no one can read the other’s mind. Even couples that are great at communicating could almost always learn how to communicate better. Effective communication is a skill you refine and hone over a lifetime and can be useful outside of your romantic relationships as well. All relationships have ups and downs and learning to communicate effectively and kindly can help your relationship weather even the toughest situations. Excellent communication skills and habits can help to foster trust, intimacy, and profound feelings of love an acceptance in a secure and happy love relationship. Clear communication can also help to avoid misunderstandings and hurt feelings. It truly is one of the best tools that couples have at their disposal to enact proactive and meaningful change in their lives and their relationship.

Communication can help to strengthen mutual trust, honesty, and respect. It can make you feel closer to your partner and significantly impact the happiness and enjoyment you feel in your relationship. Be sure to communicate good things to your partner as well as bad ones! Sometimes people think that communication is only essential for resolving disputes or airing grievances. This approach is a bad habit to get into and can make communication something that has negative and unhappy connotations. Try to practice communicating love and praise and other positive feelings to your partner often. It feels great to feel appreciated and supported, and the more you convey supportive, kind, and loving things to your partner, the more likely they are to do so in return. An excellent exercise to try to make this type of positive communication a habit is to make sure you say one kind, affirmative, or supportive thing to your partner each day. It doesn't always have to be something big or deep (though it can be!) sometimes saying thank you and "I appreciate you" for taking out the trash or doing the dishes can go a long way. Saying kind things to one another can help to foster intimacy and build a robust framework of mutual admiration and respect.

It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that communicating is all about expressing your thoughts/feelings/desires. While you should absolutely make sure that you express your needs and desires, make sure that is not the only part of your communication strategy. It is imperative to remember that communication is a two-way street and one of the most important parts of communicating is really, truly listening to your partner. I'm not talking about hearing them and waiting for them to finish talking so you can say what you want to say but consciously slowing down and listening to what they are saying and trying to see things from their point of view. Active listening takes skill and patience and will serve you well in all relationships, romantic or not. Lack of effective communication can set you up for a host of unwanted problems. Misunderstanding can foster hurt, anger, resentment, and confusion.

Here are some tips for communication in your love relationship:

  • Set aside time to talk to your partner without interruption, free from other people or distractions like phones, computers or television.

  • When possible, try to communicate face to face and not through text or on the phone

  • Think about what you want to say before you say it

  • Make your message clear, so that your partner hears it accurately and understands what you mean

  • Don’t say things out of anger or spite to hurt your partner as you cannot take these things back

  • Sleep on it! The old adage of not going to bed angry does not work for a lot of couples. If things get heated, take some time and space to cool down and regroup.

  • Accept responsibility for your own feelings and behaviors

  • Talk about what you want, need, and feel. Use "I" statements such as "I need" "I want" and "I feel."

  • LISTEN to your partner. Try to put aside your own thoughts and really try to understand their intentions, feelings, wants, and needs. Put yourself in their shoes as much as possible.

  • Share positive feelings with your partner, such as what you appreciate or admire, and how important they are to you.

  • Be aware of your tone of voice and body language

  • Negotiate and remember that you don’t have to be right all the time.

  • Let it go. Ask yourself if the issue or grievance you have is truly that important. If it is not, let it go, or agree to disagree.

  • Don’t look at disagreements with your partner as a battle to “won” You both win when you engage in healthy, kind, communication.

If you’ve tried these tips and you’re still struggling, you may find that having a neutral third party to help facilitate the communication between you and your partner can be very useful. If you’re having trouble with communication in your relationship or something else, please reach out to us at Rivers Edge Counselling Centre. 

Genuine, honest, open communication is hard work! Communication requires practice and openness and willingness, and it is impossible to get it right 100% of the time. Nobody is perfect, and even the healthiest couples fight and sometimes communicate in ways that are not useful or empathic. Like any behavior, however, the more you can get into the habit of communicating kindly and effectively, the easier it is for that to become your default mode of operation. The important thing is that you both feel that healthy, open, honest communication is an essential goal for you and that you strive to work towards it together. 

References and Further Reading:

Perfectionism

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Perfectionism is a problem a lot of people struggle with. Having high standards is great but having standards that are too high can leave you feeling like nothing is ever good enough. Have you ever heard the old adage that perfectionism is the enemy of done? Sometimes productivity can really suffer when we’re too focused on getting something “just right” instead of getting it finished and moving on to the next thing. This obsession with perfection can actually hold you back from accomplishing great things. The first step is realizing that things are not always going to be perfect and that’s okay. Try creating more realistic goals and expectations for yourself and remember to be kind to yourself. Try challenging your inner critic and ask yourself if you would criticize someone else the way you criticize yourself. Being a perfectionist can be exhausting, and sometimes lead to stress, anxiety and other problems like procrastination. It can also keep you from celebrating your accomplishments because you’re so focused on what is wrong instead of what is right. Realize that you have the power to change your perfectionist habits through compassionate self-love and radical acceptance of the fact that everything is imperfect - and that’s perfectly okay.

Take a Deep Breath. Here's Why.

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“Take a deep breath.” We’ve all heard this old adage at some point, but you may not know that it is grounded in some really solid science. Deep breathing is one of the best tools we all have at our disposal to center the body and mind and regain composure. You can do it anytime, anywhere, it is completely free and easy to master. While many ancient cultures have extolled the virtues of deep breathing for centuries, modern scientists are now shedding light on how this fundamental technique can almost instantly benefit your body, mind, and spirit. Sometimes it feels like we’re not in control of the way our body and brain react to a situation, but deep breathing reminds us that our behaviors can have profound influence over our heart rate, blood pressure, and mood. 

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Good Stress vs. Bad Stress

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By Lily M. Bowles, M.S. 

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The very word “stress” can instantly evoke feelings of anxiety and tension. These negative connotations arise as we are constantly hearing how stress is bad for the body and brain. We’re told that stress can damage everything from the heart to the brain and even the immune system, elevating our risks of cardiovascular disease and even cancer. There is no doubt chronic, overwhelming, and negative stress is harmful and a persistent and growing problem in today's society. What you may not know, however, is that a little bit of the right kind of stress can actually be genuinely good for you! Scientists call this ‘good’ stress eustress, from the Latin ‘eu’ meaning “well” and it is different from the bad stress, sometimes referred to as "distress" in several ways. Researchers think that having a healthy dose of the right kind of stress can, in fact, be beneficial to your body, mind, and spirit. This healthy stress surprisingly improves both our focus and performance and may be an essential part of living a fulfilling and meaningful life.

There are several important distinctions between healthy, positive stress and toxic negative stress. Healthy stressors often elicit some or all of the following characteristics:

  1. They motivate and focus energy

  2. They are short-term

  3. They  are perceived as within our coping abilities

  4. They feel exciting

  5. They improve performance and focus

These qualities may help you reframe a stressor as something stimulating and challenging but ultimately enjoyable. Meeting these positive stressors head on can result in immense feelings of euphoria, success, invigoration, and accomplishment. Small doses of beneficial stress can be motivating, revitalizing and encouraging. In the absence of any stress at all, we can feel listless, bored and without direction or purpose. Good stress can kick us into high gear, exciting the body and brain to tackle new challenges. There is even evidence it can help to improve memory and performance on both cognitive and physical tasks. Good stress may even help to fortify the immune system and improve cardiovascular health!

The nature of a positive stressor is in stark contrast to the characteristics of a negative stressor, the kind of things we typically associate with the word "stress". Negative stressors usually check some or all of the following boxes:

  1. They cause anxiety or concern

  2. They can be short or long term

  3. They are perceived as outside of our coping abilities

  4. They feel unpleasant

  5. They decrease performance

  6. They can lead to mental and physical problems. 

It is sometimes hard to concretely categorize what makes stressors "good" or "bad" because different people can have very different stress responses to the exact same situation. Public speaking is a great example of this. What is thrilling and exciting to one person can be absolutely debilitatingly stressful to another. This wide variety of individualized stress responses truly illustrates how much of the manifestation of stress is not in the experience itself, but in how you perceive it. We do also have to be careful of oversimplifying this, however, and resist the urge to put each stressful experience in a discrete box of "good" or "bad." Some experiences are both good and bad stressors, vacillating between the two and containing a healthy mix of both. The experience of having a new baby, for example, can bring immense joy but the physical toll of giving birth and the inevitable sleep deprivation can be very negative stressors. Additionally, the anxiety over having a new set of responsibilities can sometimes almost overwhelm the feelings of joy and love. Much of the stressfulness of experiences like these are dependent on a variety of other factors as well, such as social support and the individual's outlook and mindset.

 

There are some pretty clear-cut examples of both positive and negative stressors, however, like the death of a friend or family member which is almost always a negative stress experience. Profound losses of any kind typically fall into the harmful stress category, including divorce or separation, loss of a job or other meaningful relationship. Instances of abuse, neglect, severe injury or illness are all negative stress experiences as well. Alternatively, there can be life events that are exciting and joyful, yet still taxing. These full into the category of positive stressors. Examples include new relationships, marriage, children, buying a home, moving, starting a new job or getting a raise or promotion. Going on a first date is an excellent example of a positive stressor. Your heart races, your palms sweat, and your body has a clear cut stress response, though typically it is an enjoyable one! These positive stress experiences can be profoundly stressful in the way that they alter our lives and require more of us, yet they are often immensely satisfying and give us great feelings of accomplishment. Once the experience is no longer stressful, we typically look back on these memories with fondness and even pride.

There is some emerging evidence that the way that you think about stress can actually change the way it manifests itself in the body. Notice that one of the most significant differences between eustress and distress is whether or not the challenge is perceived as within our coping abilities. When we believe that we have the capacity to overcome a stressor it can be seen as a challenge and even be fun. When we feel that a stressor is outside of our abilities, it seems unmanageable and scary. In this instance, we tend to project failure and become overwhelmed by the experience.  

In addition to trying to reframe the stressor as within our capabilities, here are a few more tips for managing stress:

  1. Take care of yourself: exercise, eat healthy whole foods and sleep

  2. Avoid caffeine, alcohol, nicotine and other drugs

  3. Try mindfulness, meditation or other deep breathing or relaxation techniques

  4. Try to set up a support network of friends and family you can turn to in stressful times

  5. Try to get ahead of things by setting up a time management system that works for you.

  6. Go easy on yourself! Sometimes we can be our own harshest critics. Try reframing your accomplishments.

Both negative and positive stress can be overwhelming at times. If you are struggling with stress or something else in your life, please reach out to us at Rivers Edge Counselling Centre. Building the right support structure for your mental and physical health is essential, no matter what life throws at you. 


REFERENCES & FURTHER READING

We are looking for a new member of our team!

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River’s Edge Counselling Centre is seeking a Registered Psychologist to join our team. The successful candidate should have at least 3 years experience providing counselling services to adults and adolescents, as well as specific training and experience in the areas of addictions and trauma. Couples referrals can also be provided, if desired. Therapists may find unique opportunities to pursue interests in groups, workshops, teaching, community outreach and supervision at our Centre.

River's Edge Counselling Centre is located in a beautiful, bright office space along the river in downtown St. Albert. We value excellence in practice and service to the community. Candidates should have a strong interest in being part of a collaborative, supportive team of therapists and demonstrate a passion for continued education and growth in their practice. An interest in practicing client feedback informed therapy is also required.

River’s Edge offers administrative support that contributes to the flexibility, independence, and healthy work/life balance that our therapists value. Therapist compensation is offered at competitive rates. Candidates should be willing to see at least 15-20 clients per week and work at least one evening or weekend shift. We are hoping to commence orientation with a successful candidate in mid-March.

Our therapists are passionate, warm, and experienced professionals who understand that when we work together, we best serve the individuals and families who come to us for help. We look forward to welcoming and supporting the successful applicant for this position!

Interested applicants should submit a letter of expression of interest and their CV to Nicole Imgrund at nicole@riversedgecounselling.com.


in the news: The Mental Health Services Protection Act introduced in Legislature

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The Mental Health Services Protection Act was introduced in the Alberta Legislature yesterday. If passed, it will create a new college of Counselling Therapy and set standards for Counselling Therapists, Addiction Counsellors and Child and Youth Care Counsellors.

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In the news: Business tough on mental health

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“Our identities are often what help us determine our career paths,” said Lori Tiemer, registered psychologist at Rivers Edge Counselling Centre. “When our careers (and) jobs are in line with our identities – so our interests, our abilities, personality, values – people often do have a greater sense of job satisfaction.”

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Reflection

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The other day I noticed some small pansies growing from a seam in my neighbor’s driveway. I thought what an amazing thing. These little flowers are growing in a difficult environment. They could grow in a more hospitable place, but somehow ended up there and chose to grow in a tough situation. Similar to the flowers, we as humans also grow when circumstances are hard. We learn things about ourselves, and how to be resilient, and often how to live our lives a little differently, or make changes or choices for a better or healthy path. It’s always hard when we face difficulties and struggles, but in the end there is learning and growth. I will think of the pansies on a tough day and remember how they grew.

-Anonymous RECC client

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Renew & Restore Event

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River's Edge Counselling Centre was proud to host an invigorating day of talks, workshops, self-care practices, and connection with other helping professionals in the community. With deep appreciation for the commitment and care that they offer to the St. Albert community, we created a relaxing, rejuvenating, and fun retreat from their daily routine.

keynote address

when you are looking after others, who is looking after you?

Georgette Reed, OLY, ChPC, MA, BPE, CSCS TSAC-F

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Georgette will discuss the synergy between physical and mental health. Many of us are in positions to help others and spend a lot of time and effort doing so…but when we are helping others who is helping us.

Georgette’s presentation discusses some of the pitfalls we all come across leading busy lives and she discusses ways in which participants can make and create a more balanced approach to being of service.

Georgette Reed has had a keen interest in Sport, Fitness, Health and Wellness all of her life. A certified track and field and strength and conditioning, coach with 43 years of competitive experience under her belt in the sports of athletics, bobsleigh, swimming and water polo, Georgette now puts all of the knowledge and expertise to good use as the Health and Wellness Coordinator for Edmonton Fire Rescue Services and Mental Health First Aid, Psychological First Aid and R2MR (first responder) instructor for the City of Edmonton.

During her athletic career, Georgette represented Canada in the Olympic Games, the World Athletics Championships, The World Bobsleigh Championships, The Pan American Games, The Commonwealth Games and many other international events. As a competitor, Georgette won 17 national titles (15 in the shot put and two discus titles). Upon retiring from competing, Georgette was the head cross country, track and field coach for the U of A for 10 years, and helped develop champions at the provincial, national and international levels and was a mentor/coach for Special Olympics Athletics athletes and coaches in Alberta.

ted-style talks

burnout: why the risk is real, and finding your own path towards healing

Jasmine Fulks

the courage of innovation

Petal Murti

the process of becoming vulnerable

Petrina Runke

splashing in the fountain of hope

With Special Guest, Wendy Edey

Wendy Edey is a counselling psychologist whose favourite tools are hope, humour and storytelling. All three of these have unfailingly fostered healthy connections between work and her personal life. In recent years she has developed hope and strengths groups for people with chronic pain and Parkinson’s disease. She helps train family care partners at the Alzheimer Society of Edmonton. Wendy is a Practice affiliate with Hope Studies Central at the University of Alberta.

workshops

the gift of self-compassion:
learning to soothe yourself with love and kindness

Facilitator: Grant Wardlow

When navigating the road of life we are often faced with confronting the less desirable parts of ourselves, including our personal failures and shameful behaviour, among other inadequacies. This often comes at a cost to our self-worth, as we become governed by the belief that we are unworthy of life’s pleasures, or of love and respect.
 
Our reaction when faced with these parts of our being is to either go to war with ourselves, or to lash out at others, or to turn to alcohol, or drugs, or food, in an attempt to help soothe our pain and suffering. However, instead of continuing down the same path of destruction, the mindfulness practice of self-compassion offers us the opportunity to respond to ourselves with kindness rather than harsh self-judgement, recognizing that imperfection is part of our shared human experience.
 
Please join me in learning about the mindfulness gift that is self-compassion, where you will learn to soothe yourself with love and tenderness. This workshop includes a guided self-compassion meditation.

contemplation and connection through art making

Mary Norton & Janet Stalenhoef

  • AM Workshop: Follow the ebb and flow of watercolour

  • PM Workshop: Moving breath into modelling clay

Step out of day to day busyness and into some time for quiet  contemplation and renewal. These workshops will invite you to connect with your creative self as you engage with materials. You may also gain insights about the possibilities of art-making for self-care and creative exploration for yourself. All materials provided. No experience necessary.

Mary Norton values art making as a pathway to serious play and as a way to address life challenges and imagine possibilities for change. Mary is engaged in community-based and private practice as a professional Art Therapist, Expressive Arts Facilitator, and Certified Hakomi Therapist.

Janet Stalenhoef came to her interest in art therapy as a result of her experiences as an artist. She has a Masters in psychotherapy from St. Stephen’s with specialization in art therapy. Her practice is also informed by her studies in expressive arts therapy. Janet is certified with the Canadian Counselling and Psychotherapy Association and has advanced training in Self Regulation Therapy (SRT). She currently works private practice in Edmonton.

satisfied or stressed: thriving in hectic times

Kathleen Johnston

Personal and work-related stress is at an all-time high. We’ve had to adapt to relentless change and ever increasing demands on our time. E-mails, cell phones and PDA’s have moved us to instant response and 24-7 expectations. Although some stress in our lives is inevitable, feeling consistently “stressed out” and miserable is not. This seminar will increase your knowledge and your ability to mitigate and manage the stressors in your life. It will give you the facts about stress as energy. You will understand the impact of stress overload and how to offset that by increasing satisfaction. Learning Objectives include: To explore the effects of increased demands on your work/life To recognize warning signs of distress To assess current personal wellness and create a vision for peak wellness To comprehend the concept of stress as energy To realize the impact of stress overload on personal wellbeing To understand the difference between stress overload and burnout.

Kathleen Johnston, Career Strategist, is a Professional Certified Coach, Canadian Certified Counselling Therapist and Certified Stress Consultant. Her enthusiasm and energy for career development supports and inspires individuals to be successful in their careers without compromising their health and well-being.

communicating your boundaries: learning how to say “no”

Facilitators: Laura Byrtus

It’s important, but often difficult to keep your self-care sacred. Establishing boundaries can help us make space for self-care. This workshop is designed to provide practical strategies to develop and communicate healthy boundaries in both personal and professional lives.

stress busters

River’s Edge Counselling Centre team

In this workshop, therapists from the team will share with you some of our favourite tools, tips and techniques to manage stress and anxiety. You will come away with practical resources for a more relaxed, stress free life!

music

a live concert with ann vriend

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Ann Vriend is known most for her soaring, evocative, Aretha-eque vocals, as well as her abilities as a songwriter, both lyrically and melodically. With a compelling combination of defiant resilience and heartfelt vulnerability she delivers her unique brand of gritty, inner-city soul-- and sometimes quite the funky old-school dance party.

Coming from a humble background on Edmonton’s east side, and for the past decade calling Edmonton’s troubled and somewhat notorious inner city neighborhood of McCauley home Vriend does not shy away from difficult social issues. Instead, she contributes her own Canadian brand of RnB in the rich tradition of soul artists who have delivered stunning recordings and performances that are both contagiously fun AND socially thought provoking, while never preachy or simplistic.

Often compared to her vocal hero, Aretha Franklin, Ann Vriend also kills it live, having sold 18,000 albums off the stage independently. We are thrilled to have Ann, an award award-winning performer and songwriter, perform for us at this event!

Nicole Imgrund on Global Edmonton

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As demand for counselling in Alberta grows, the Federation of Associations of Counselling Therapists is urging the government to regulate the industry. Nicole Imgrund joined Erin Chalmers on Global News Morning Edmonton to talk about the need for regulation, explaining that right now anyone can call themselves a counsellor – and that needs to change.



 

We are in the news: "Parents warned to keep a close eye on what children see online"

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Our registered psychologist, Andrea Thrall, speaks to St. Albert Gazelle about the danger of children viewing disturbing video content online. Andrea said parents should always be present whenever young children are viewing videos. Read the full article here:

https://www.stalbertgazette.com/article/parents-warned-keep-close-eye-children-see-online-20180113

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12 Tips for Keeping You and Your Relationships Healthy Through the Holiday Season

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Of the many spiritual or cultural holidays that are celebrated at this time of year, most are in some way a reflection of overcoming the toils and injustices of life to reconnect with positive human values and emotions. It is all too easy though, for the time, energy, and preparation of the traditions with which we mark this re-connection to reinforce the toil instead of the celebration. Here are a few ideas to keep the stress from taking over.

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