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The Physiology of Love

By Lily M. Bowles, M.S.

Each year, Valentine’s Day offers us a day to reflect on and celebrate the joyful and meaningful of love in our lives. Whether it’s romantic love, love of friends, family, ourselves, or a loyal pet, most of us are lucky enough to have some kind of love for which to be grateful. With all this love in the air, it’s also a great time to examine what exactly love is in our bodies and brains. Love is one of the most profound physiological manifestations of emotions and interpersonal relationships that humans can experience. Love is also exceptionally joyful! This time of year is an excellent opportunity to celebrate that by investigating just how our bodies produce one of life’s greatest gifts. 

Think about how love feels in your body when you experience it. Love is not just an emotion or abstraction - it’s a deeply visceral sensation. There are many different types of love and different corresponding physiological underpinnings to these feelings. The term “love” is kind of a catchall for a wide variety of distinct emotions and situations. The ancient Greeks had more than seven unique words to describe what we call “love.” They used distinct terms for love of family, love of God, love of the body, love of the self, love of the mind, love of a child, and playful love. Today, scientists who study love break it down into smaller parts as well, using terms like attraction, lust, desire, attachment, and bonding. 

You probably already know that all of these intense and often all-consuming feelings are products of chemical messages in your body and brain. Without getting too bogged down in the nitty-gritty neurobiology of it all, human feelings of love are the result of complex cascades of potent chemical cocktails of neurotransmitters, hormones, and neuropeptides. That may sound a bit clinical and decidedly unromantic, but these tiny envoys of the body are at least a big part of what love truly is in terms of how we experience it. 

The physiological sensations of love are dizzyingly powerful. Sometimes your heart races, your palms sweat, your mouth might go dry, and you might find yourself tripping over your words. Alternatively, love might wash over you like a warm hug and fill you with a profound sense of calm and complacency. Romantic love might send your hormones into overdrive, filling you with lust and raw sexual desire. Love of a child or pet might overwhelm you with warm and fuzzy feelings and elicit the need to protect and nurture. All of these sensations are some version of the physical and socio-emotional feelings of love. Each of the sensations is stimulated by a unique mix of biochemicals in the body and brain. 

Some of the major neurotransmitter players involved in this intricate work might have familiar names: oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin. The hormonal components should be quite familiar as well, namely estrogen and testosterone. You may have heard of oxytocin; maybe you’ve even heard it called the “love hormone” before. This neuropeptide certainly plays a significant role in the human experience of love. Oxytocin is essential for social bonding, sexual reproduction, orgasm, birth, and lactation. It is a major component of how we bond with our young. Fascinatingly, the mere presence of an infant can instantaneously release oxytocin in adults. It is like we’re biologically programmed to love them! Despite the critical role it plays, oxytocin doesn’t do all the work of eliciting love alone. In fact, it works closely with a related peptide called vasopressin that doesn’t enjoy any of the recognition oxytocin gets. Often oversimplified as something like the molecular equivalent of love, oxytocin is just a piece of the bigger puzzle of how our bodies love. 

We all experience love differently, and just as every love is unique, the physical manifestations of love vary widely from person to person and depending on the situation. Nevertheless, one constant holds true - love feels good! Humans love to love and to be loved. This phenomenon is partly because of dopamine, the body’s feelgood neurotransmitter. Dopamine carries out many crucial functions in our bodies, but a major one is invoking our sense of pleasure and reward. Helen Fisher and colleagues found in a 2005 study of people in love that their brain’s reward centers light up when they see pictures of their beloved. The area involved, the Ventral Tegmental Area or VTA, is not only associated with pleasure but also with general arousal, focused attention, and motivation to pursue and acquire rewards. Fisher, therefore, postulates that romantic love is not so much an emotion as it is a motivational system - one that drives us towards being with the one we love.

A true cynic would say that love is an evolutionary trick our brains play on us to get us to mate and take care of our offspring. Even the most clinical of scientists usually concede that there is at least a little more to it than that. Nevertheless, there is a strong biological and evolutionary component to love as well. Love is useful, it feels good, and it keeps our interpersonal bonds secure. While we can never truly know if lesser evolved animals “love,” there is strong evidence that several other mammalian species show intense parental investment and form lasting bonds with other individuals. There is even some evidence that animals grieve or feel profound loss when a partner or offspring die. Of course, human love, like other emotions, is more complex and nuanced than that of our ape ancestors. However, its roots are distinctly biological and reside somewhere back in the more primitive parts of our brains. Without love, even if all of our other biological needs are met, humans fail to flourish or report strong overall life satisfaction.

One of the best things about love is that scientists find that not only is it immensely enjoyable, it’s incredibly good for you! Unlike many activities that directly target your dopamine pleasure centers, love is one of the few with no downside (other than the occasional heartbreak, of course.) Studies show that love can have enormously positive effects on mental and physical health in both the short and long term. Love reduces stress and increases overall life satisfaction; it promotes feelings of well-being and joy and has been linked to longer, happier lives. It may even offer immunoprotective factors and reduce the likelihood of disease and hospitalization. Conversely, heartbreak and grief are also profoundly physical experiences, as well as emotional ones. Studies show that heartbreak can send almost every one of the body’s systems into overdrive and tax the heart and cardiovascular system through stress.

Valentine’s Day is not about chocolates, flowers, cards, or expensive gifts - it’s about celebrating one of the most joyful and profound parts of the human experience: Love. This Valentine’s Day, take a minute to appreciate the miracle of love in your life. Also, take time to marvel at how our bodies, as finely tuned biological machines, are capable of sensing, promoting, maintaining, and enjoying that love.

REFERENCES AND FURTHER READING

• Carter, C. S., & Porges, S. W. (2013). The biochemistry of love: An oxytocin hypothesis. EMBO Reports, 14(1), 12–16. https://doi.org/10.1038/embor.2012.191

• Carter, C. S., Ahnert, L., Grossmann, K. E., Lamb, M. E., Hrdy, S. B., Porges, S. W., & Sachser, N. (Eds.). (2005). Attachment and bonding: A new synthesis (Vol. 92). Mit Press.

• ELEVATE_00e_Factsheets.pdf., from https://www.fcs.uga.edu/docs/ELEVATE_00e_Factsheets.pdf

• Fisher, H., Aron, A., & Brown, L. L. (2005). Romantic love: An fMRI study of a neural mechanism for mate choice. The Journal of Comparative Neurology, 493(1), 58–62. https://doi.org/10.1002/cne.20772

• Goodrich, K. (2015, June 9). Your Brain and the Physiology of Love. Brainscape Blog. https://www.brainscape.com/blog/2015/06/physiology-of-love/

• Love, Actually: The science behind lust, attraction, and companionship. (2017, February 14). Science in the News. http://sitn.hms.harvard.edu/flash/2017/love-actually-science-behind-lust-attraction-companionship/

• (PDF) The Neurobiology of Love. (n.d.). from https://www.researchgate.net/publication/7752806_The_Neurobiology_of_Love

• The orgasmic history of oxytocin: Love, lust, and labor Magon N, Kalra S - Indian J Endocr Metab. (n.d.). from http://www.ijem.in/article.asp?issn=2230-8210;year=2011;volume=15;issue=7;spage=156;epage=161;aulast=Magon

• The Science Behind Falling in Love. (n.d.). Psychology Today. from http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/loves-evolver/201302/the-science-behind-falling-in-love

Importance of communication in love relationships

By Lily M. Bowles, M.S.

Communication is a cornerstone of the foundation of a healthy romantic relationship. Honest, open, and frequent communication is an essential ingredient in the making of joyful and long-lasting love. No matter how well you know someone or how “in sync” you are, no one can read the other’s mind. Even couples that are great at communicating could almost always learn how to communicate better. Effective communication is a skill you refine and hone over a lifetime and can be useful outside of your romantic relationships as well. All relationships have ups and downs and learning to communicate effectively and kindly can help your relationship weather even the toughest situations. Excellent communication skills and habits can help to foster trust, intimacy, and profound feelings of love an acceptance in a secure and happy love relationship. Clear communication can also help to avoid misunderstandings and hurt feelings. It truly is one of the best tools that couples have at their disposal to enact proactive and meaningful change in their lives and their relationship.

Communication can help to strengthen mutual trust, honesty, and respect. It can make you feel closer to your partner and significantly impact the happiness and enjoyment you feel in your relationship. Be sure to communicate good things to your partner as well as bad ones! Sometimes people think that communication is only essential for resolving disputes or airing grievances. This approach is a bad habit to get into and can make communication something that has negative and unhappy connotations. Try to practice communicating love and praise and other positive feelings to your partner often. It feels great to feel appreciated and supported, and the more you convey supportive, kind, and loving things to your partner, the more likely they are to do so in return. An excellent exercise to try to make this type of positive communication a habit is to make sure you say one kind, affirmative, or supportive thing to your partner each day. It doesn't always have to be something big or deep (though it can be!) sometimes saying thank you and "I appreciate you" for taking out the trash or doing the dishes can go a long way. Saying kind things to one another can help to foster intimacy and build a robust framework of mutual admiration and respect.

It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that communicating is all about expressing your thoughts/feelings/desires. While you should absolutely make sure that you express your needs and desires, make sure that is not the only part of your communication strategy. It is imperative to remember that communication is a two-way street and one of the most important parts of communicating is really, truly listening to your partner. I'm not talking about hearing them and waiting for them to finish talking so you can say what you want to say but consciously slowing down and listening to what they are saying and trying to see things from their point of view. Active listening takes skill and patience and will serve you well in all relationships, romantic or not. Lack of effective communication can set you up for a host of unwanted problems. Misunderstanding can foster hurt, anger, resentment, and confusion.

Here are some tips for communication in your love relationship:

• Set aside time to talk to your partner without interruption, free from other people or distractions like phones, computers or television.

• When possible, try to communicate face to face and not through text or on the phone

• Think about what you want to say before you say it

• Make your message clear, so that your partner hears it accurately and understands what you mean

• Don’t say things out of anger or spite to hurt your partner as you cannot take these things back

• Sleep on it! The old adage of not going to bed angry does not work for a lot of couples. If things get heated, take some time and space to cool down and regroup.

• Accept responsibility for your own feelings and behaviors

• Talk about what you want, need, and feel. Use "I" statements such as "I need" "I want" and "I feel."

• LISTEN to your partner. Try to put aside your own thoughts and really try to understand their intentions, feelings, wants, and needs. Put yourself in their shoes as much as possible.

• Share positive feelings with your partner, such as what you appreciate or admire, and how important they are to you.

• Be aware of your tone of voice and body language

• Negotiate and remember that you don’t have to be right all the time.

• Let it go. Ask yourself if the issue or grievance you have is truly that important. If it is not, let it go, or agree to disagree.

• Don’t look at disagreements with your partner as a battle to “won” You both win when you engage in healthy, kind, communication.

If you’ve tried these tips and you’re still struggling, you may find that having a neutral third party to help facilitate the communication between you and your partner can be very useful. If you’re having trouble with communication in your relationship or something else, please reach out to us at Rivers Edge Counselling Centre. 

Genuine, honest, open communication is hard work! Communication requires practice and openness and willingness, and it is impossible to get it right 100% of the time. Nobody is perfect, and even the healthiest couples fight and sometimes communicate in ways that are not useful or empathic. Like any behavior, however, the more you can get into the habit of communicating kindly and effectively, the easier it is for that to become your default mode of operation. The important thing is that you both feel that healthy, open, honest communication is an essential goal for you and that you strive to work towards it together. 

References and Further Reading:

• 7 Ways to Improve Communication in Relationships [Update 2019]. (n.d.). from https://positivepsychology.com/communication-in-relationships/

• Does Couples’ Communication Predict Marital Satisfaction, or Does Marital Satisfaction Predict Communication? (n.d.) from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4852543/

• How Can We Communicate Better? | Loveisrespect.org. (n.d.)., from https://www.loveisrespect.org/healthy-relationships/communicate-better/

• How Can We Improve Preventive and Educational Interventions for Intimate Relationships? - ScienceDirect. (n.d.). from https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0005789411000852

• Interpersonal communication and human relationships — University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. (n.d.). from https://experts.illinois.edu/en/publications/interpersonal-communication-and-human-relationships

• Knapp, M. L., Vangelisti, A. L., & Caughlin, J. P. (2005). Interpersonal communication and human relationships.

• Managing Conflict in Relationships: Communication Tips. (n.d.). from https://www.verywellmind.com/managing-conflict-in-relationships-communication-tips-3144967

• Relationships and communication - Better Health Channel. (n.d.). from https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-and-communication

• Why Is Communication Important In A Relationship? (n.d.). from https://blog.balancednarrative.com/why-is-communication-important-in-a-relationship/