Wellness Matters Webinar — Seeds to Growing Self Esteem

Did you know that close to half of the population struggles with low self-esteem for the majority of their life? This is unfortunate considering self-esteem is a basic domain of our everyday functioning that impacts the way we interact with others, our mental health, and our overall well-being. Research has even shown that low self-esteem is the source of many negative life outcomes such as unemployment, earning less than peers, sexual dysfunction, substance abuse, eating disorders, suicide and suicidal ideation, and dysfunctional behaviours in relationships. As such, having a better understanding of one's self-esteem and acquiring the tools to enhance it, is fundamental in achieving a healthier, happier, and more fulfilling life.

In this talk you will learn:

• how self-esteem develops

• the common trajectory of your self-esteem over the course of your life

• what factors of life impact your self-esteem

• how to maintain and boost your self-esteem throughout your life

• how to support your loved ones with their self-esteem

Facilitated by: Sheila Ennin

FAQs

• What is self-esteem and why is it important for mental health and wellbeing?

  Self-esteem is the degree to which you see the qualities and characteristics in your self-concept as positive. In the webinar, Sheila explains that self-esteem is a basic domain of human functioning: it affects how we think about ourselves, how we relate to others, and how we cope with life’s challenges. Research she cites shows that self-esteem is linked to mental health, physical health, relationship satisfaction, work, education, and even the likelihood of problems such as substance use, eating disorders, and suicidal thoughts.

• How does self-esteem develop over the course of a person’s life?

  According to the research Sheila shares, self-esteem changes systematically across the lifespan and is shaped by major life events and transitions such as trauma, loss, achievements, and new roles. It tends to fluctuate in childhood and adolescence, then generally rises from the late teens through adulthood, often peaking around the early 50s before gradually declining in later life. These changes mirror human development as our roles, bodies, relationships, and social and economic circumstances evolve.

• What factors can influence or lower self-esteem in adults?

  The webinar highlights several key correlates of self-esteem: the quality of your close relationships, early attachment experiences with caregivers, the amount of education and cognitive stimulation in your life, your physical health, and personality traits such as emotional stability and optimism. High conflict in relationships, poor health, ongoing financial or work stress, and unresolved trauma can all contribute to lower self-esteem and slower growth over time. On the other hand, secure attachment, supportive partnerships, continual learning, and taking care of your body and mind are all linked with healthier self-esteem.

• How can I start building or improving my self-esteem in everyday life?

  Sheila describes many practical strategies to grow self-esteem, starting with spending quality time with yourself and getting to know who you are—your roles, values, strengths, likes, and dislikes. Other tools include practicing assertive communication and boundary setting, using balanced and compassionate self-talk, cultivating gratitude and mindfulness, engaging in regular self-care, and nurturing healthy, supportive relationships. Exploring your attachment patterns, processing trauma in a safe therapeutic space, and consciously “pouring into” others with respect and kindness can also strengthen your own sense of worth over time.

Transcript

Hello, and welcome to our Wellness Matters webinar on self-esteem this evening. My name is Nicole Imgrund, and I’m the owner and director of Rivers Edge Counselling Centre. This webinar is part of a series of webinars we have recorded—well over 40—since the beginning of the pandemic. So we have a nice group of webinar resources on the internet for you to view if you’d like. We have some on couples and families, parenting, anxiety, depression, burnout—if you can think of a topic, we probably have done a webinar on it. This webinar is going to join the others on our blog page, but you are with us live for the webinar this evening, and we could not be happier to have you here.

Our presenter this evening is Sheila Enin. Sheila is a registered provisional psychologist who works with children, adolescents, adults, and couples on a variety of issues. Sheila’s approach to therapy draws on psychodynamic psychotherapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, as well as narrative therapy. Sheila also works from a trauma-informed lens and is trained in EMDR for working specifically with processing trauma. Sheila strives to foster therapeutic relationships filled with kindness, patience, empathy, and compassion, and as someone who has known Sheila for many years in many different capacities, I can say that this comes from a very authentic part of who she is. Out of this experience of relationship, Sheila develops treatment plans tailored to each of her clients’ unique challenges and strengths, to help them find the insight, clarity, and empowerment they need to heal from the problems that they are facing.

We are very fortunate to have you on our team, Sheila, and we are fortunate to have you with us this evening for this topic, which I know is one near and dear to your heart. Before I turn it over to you, I just wanted to let our participants know that Sheila’s presentation probably won’t take up the full hour, so we’ll have a little bit of time to hear some of your comments and your questions. I’ll be keeping my eye on the chat as we go in case anyone has any technical difficulties. If you want to start posting some comments and questions, you’re welcome to, and also you can use the Q&A feature as well. At the end of the webinar, we’ll have a bit of time to share those with each of you and with Sheila. Until then, sit back and relax, and I’m going to turn it over to you, Sheila.

Thank you, Nicole, and thank you everyone for being here on a Thursday night. I appreciate that. As Nicole said, my name is Sheila, and I’m a registered provisional psychologist. I’ve been with Rivers Edge for a while, but in different capacities, and this is my first time doing a webinar. I’m excited to be here and hopefully provide some useful things.

I’ll share my screen and see if I can do this as well. Bear with me here. Hopefully everyone is seeing my screen. Like Nicole said, my topic today is on self-esteem. The title I chose is Seeds to Growing Self-Esteem. I chose this topic because it is near and dear to my heart. I feel like it’s been a journey I’ve been on for most of my life, and I was very passionate about it when I was in my master’s program. I decided to do my research and my capstone thesis on self-esteem development.

I think this webinar and the information you’re going to gain today will come from my academic and research background, but also from my professional experience as well. I hope that you gain something out of this—whether it is a tool to use and practice daily, or if it’s just some information that you learned, something you didn’t know before. Hopefully I’ll be able to answer any questions you have at the end, so prep those too if you need.

So, Seeds to Growing Self-Esteem. I wanted to start off with a quote because I like quotes. I think it kind of sets the frame for the topic today and the information I’ll share. This quote comes from the teachings of the Buddha, from the Buddhism religion, and I believe it’s loosely translated, but it’s a quote that I find very useful. It says: “You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”

The reason I find that so valuable is because it speaks to the inherent worth of all of us. At the basis of it, we’re all human beings, right? As much as we pour into others, we are deserving of that same thing being reciprocated to us.

As an overview of the things we’ll talk about today, I’m going to do a bit of an introduction into self-esteem, then talk about why self-esteem is so important and what the research says about why it’s so important. I’ll talk about how theorists and different philosophies have conceptualized self-esteem. I’ll talk about how we define self-esteem, how self-esteem develops over the course of a person’s life, and the things and aspects of our life that are correlated to the development of our self-esteem. Then I’ll end with some tidbits and gems about ways for you to enhance your self-esteem, and also hopefully the self-esteem of your loved ones and people around you.

A bit of an introduction: I don’t know if some people have maybe seen this similar diagram before, or heard of Maslow. Abraham Maslow is an American psychologist and he’s a pretty well-known one—pretty famous—but especially well known for his work on this diagram here, which is the hierarchy of needs.

He developed this theory in 1943, where he talked about the idea that there are basic needs that a person needs in order to move on to a next stage of their life, in succession toward self-actualization, which is at the top there, where a person can reach the most dynamic and transformative part of their life. Self-actualization is a person reaching their full potential. Through his research and study of human behavior, he started to realize that there are some basic things that have to come in succession to each other in order for a person to reach that.

I think his theory speaks to a lot of the things I’ll be talking about today, and it’s a good one to review, especially because he talks about esteem in his levels of needs. He starts off with a basic level of needs for all human beings as being physiological. That includes things like food, sleep, health, exercise—anything that speaks to our physical health and well-being.

Then, after that, he says that once people are able to have those basic needs—once their physical and physiological needs are met—then they can strive for the next stage, which is safety. Safety can look like security, having housing and a home, having money and finances in order to maintain—but also enhance—the physiological things that a person has.

Once a person has all those things—basic needs of the physiological physical things that keep them alive and healthy, and the safety and security to enhance and maintain those things—then they can start trying to strive for some things that are more abstract and more complicated, and sometimes difficult, which is love and belonging: connection. He speaks to the fact that once we have our physical needs met, and we have safety and security, we can open ourselves up to love and connection with each other.

With that, once we’re able to have that and feel the benefits of it, then we can move into esteem, which basically is self-esteem. It talks about the idea that at that time, people can look for or strive for things like achievements, prestige, status, respect—self-respect and respect from others. All those things can be strived for if a person is able to get to that portion of their life.

Hopefully, after they’ve moved up those steps, and once a person is able to achieve their physical needs, their safety and security, their love and belonging and connection with people, and their achievements, prestige, status, respect, self-respect, and success from others, they will be able to achieve their full potential, which he describes as self-actualization.

When I speak today, as we go forward about the things that make up self-esteem or the things that cause self-esteem to develop, you’ll notice that a lot of them connect to some of the hierarchies Maslow has identified, which shows that he was onto something in 1943 when he came up with this idea.

Why is self-esteem important? I wanted to start there. One thing that has been pretty well known is that self-esteem is actually one of the things that is more of an objective for western cultures than it is for eastern cultures. I think that speaks to the fact that western cultures are more based in individualistic values, and so it is something that a lot of people in our culture strive for at any point in our lives. A lot of the research around self-esteem is heavily based in western culture, and we’ve found why and how it functions in our lives, for it to be so important to us.

One thing we know is that self-esteem is a basic domain of our human functioning. It is important to the way that we socially interact with each other, it’s important to our mental health, and it’s important to our overall well-being. Self-esteem also has a self-regulatory function because it helps us be self-reflective, or feel connected to our world in order to make sense of it. It helps us interact with and perceive others and the world around us.

It also has implications for different aspects of our lives, such as our relationships, education, our work, our health—those things. Self-esteem can change in response to a lot of important life transitions and major events: trauma, loss, achievements, moving, status changes, role changes, gaining things, learning new experiences. All of those things can impact our self-esteem over the course of our life.

Research has shown that self-esteem can predict future outcomes: depending on what point a person is at with their self-esteem, we can see what their physical and mental health will be over the course of their life, how their satisfaction with their close relationships will be, their social supports, whether they’ll be involved in criminal behavior, and whether or not they will be successful financially in adulthood. Improving self-esteem is important because we can hopefully avoid negative outcomes and increase the chances of positive life outcomes.

Research has shown that low self-esteem is correlated with unemployment, earning less than peers, sexual dysfunction, substance abuse, eating disorders, suicide and suicidal ideation, and dysfunctional behaviors in relationships. All of those are crucial aspects of a person’s life that can be impacted by self-esteem.

So, how do we begin to understand or conceptualize self-esteem? That has been a long journey for researchers, psychologists, theorists, and philosophers over time. One of the earliest known people to look into self-esteem was the American philosopher William James. In 1890, he proposed self-esteem as both a state and a trait.

As a state, he defined self-esteem as something that can change as a function of someone’s individual successes or failures: if you do well, you’ll have a confident sense of self; if you don’t, you’ll have lower self-esteem. He also talked about the fact that it can be a trait—that there is inherently an average level of self-esteem that a person has that’s not necessarily based on anything: something within us, whether it’s because of genetics, personality, whatever it may be.

So it becomes complex to conceptualize, because we may have an average sense of it, and it can also be impacted and grown or reduced by successes and failures.

Over time, people started trying to define self-esteem, and that has been one of the biggest controversies in social psychology over the years. There still isn’t a consensus, because depending on where you look—TV, books, media, self-help books—almost every single person and resource will have their own definition of self-esteem.

Some definitions are based on self-worth or value, sometimes self-attitude, sometimes self-evaluation, sometimes comparing to others, sometimes how a person feels about themselves, sometimes competence or meaningfulness, and sometimes self-acceptance. There are many ways to define it, which makes it complicated.

But a definition I adhere to comes from the American Psychological Association’s dictionary. They define self-esteem as: “the degree to which the qualities and characteristics contained in one’s self-concept are perceived to be positive.” It reflects a person’s physical image, view of their accomplishments and capabilities and values, and perceived success in living up to them, as well as ways in which others view and respond to that person. The more positive the cumulative perception of these qualities and characteristics, the higher one’s self-esteem.

The reason I like that definition is it encapsulates the ways a person can define self-esteem, in a condensed way.

Now, how do we develop this thing that is self-esteem? Research has shown that self-esteem shows systematic development over the lifespan because of major life events and transitions: trauma, loss, achievements, movement into roles and stages of life.

Research has shown that the biggest change in self-esteem trajectory happens in adulthood. That makes sense because there are so many things that happen in adulthood that don’t happen in childhood or adolescence: change in roles—people become independent, post-secondary students, employees, employers, entrepreneurs, partners, husbands, wives; they become parents, grandparents. There are so many roles in adulthood. Relationships can become deeper and more true and hopefully healthier.

Our physical functioning changes a lot in adulthood—growing, childbirth, health issues, metabolism changes, aging. All of these can impact how we see ourselves and perceive ourselves. And our social economic status changes: we start noticing money, relying on ourselves to take care of ourselves, and the impact of unemployment or financial stressors.

In adulthood, research shows self-esteem often looks like a parabola: there are fluctuations in childhood and adolescence due to adverse experiences, abuse, trauma, body changes, but in general it may increase as we find a sense of self.

Then from around age 16 to about age 51, we see the most dynamic change. Most people increase their self-esteem substantially during that time. Around age 51, self-esteem reaches its peak, stagnates for a bit, and then slowly declines as a person approaches death. That mirrors human functioning: we grow, function to an extent, and then decline.

Now, correlates of self-esteem: research has shown there are factors that correlate to self-esteem and impact it over the course of our lives, especially in adulthood. These include relationships, interpersonal conflict, education, cognitive stimulation, physical health, personality, and some other factors.

For example, relationships: being in a relationship is correlated to higher self-esteem, and it seems more relevant for early adulthood. Living with your partner can also predict higher self-esteem. The health of the relationship matters: more positive and adaptive interactions, making decisions jointly so people feel their voice matters. In older adulthood, having less relationship risk and anxiety also correlates with higher self-esteem.

Attachment is one of the most important. Attachment theory speaks to the idea that our early relationships with caregivers impact how we view ourselves and our world. The more securely attached a person is, the more likely they are to have healthier self-esteem. Secure attachment is an important determinant in early life—especially from ages 0 to 6.

Interpersonal conflict also impacts self-esteem, particularly in adolescents and young adults. More interpersonal conflict in those years is associated with lower self-esteem and slower growth across the lifespan.

Education correlates too: more education can increase self-esteem, and university degrees are associated with higher self-esteem and faster growth. But it doesn’t have to be formal education—continual learning and keeping your mind active matters.

Cognition: higher cognitive functioning and a perceived sense of internal control are correlated with higher self-esteem. Mentally stimulating activities help: learning new things, hobbies, riddles, puzzles, Sudoku, anything that engages attention, short-term memory, inhibition, and working memory.

Physical health: fewer health problems correlate with higher self-esteem. Preventing or slowing decline in health can support self-esteem.

Personality factors: extroversion, openness, agreeableness, conscientiousness, and emotional stability are associated with higher self-esteem. Openness correlates more with higher self-esteem for men, and emotional stability correlates more for women. Lower neuroticism helps maintain or enhance self-esteem.

Other factors: being a parent can correlate with higher self-esteem, possibly due to validation and accomplishment. Overall positive affect—having a “glass half full” perspective—also correlates. These correlates are based on research from the past 10 years.

Now I want to talk about what you can do to enhance your self-esteem—hopefully the meat and potatoes of this talk. I don’t have everything written out on the slides, so if you want to write any of this down, please do. You’re welcome to grab a pen and paper.

The first one—and I think the most important—is quality time with oneself. It doesn’t have to be “date yourself.” Quality time with ourselves is really important because we learn to love and accept people by spending time with them, and the same applies to ourselves. This can look like dedicating time regularly—weekly, monthly, quarterly, twice a year, once a year—whatever you want. It can be 15 minutes, an hour, a few hours, a weekend, a week.

Within that time, a tool I encourage is an “introduction to yourself.” Imagine you’re on a game show, or in a situation where someone says, “Tell me about yourself,” and you have to go in depth. How would you describe yourself? What identifies you? You can start with demographics: age, sex, gender, hair color, eye color, height. Then roles: job, career, education, position in family and friendships—sister, brother, mother, father, grandparent, stepsister, dog mom—any role. Likes and dislikes: do you hate blueberries, do you love basketball? Joys: what brings you deep joy? Dreams and hopes. Favorites: movies, foods.

When you write it down, you’ll realize there’s a lot. When you read it back, you can reflect: this is who I am. Have I been paying attention to this person? Do I like that person? Do I need more from this person? What do I want to remove? That can be a meaningful activity within quality time with yourself.

Next: communication and assertiveness. Many people are not self-reflective of their needs, and that impacts self-esteem. Assertive communication helps you acknowledge your needs and communicate them. Passive communication says, “Your needs matter more than mine.” Aggressive says, “My needs matter more than yours.” Assertive communication says, “My needs matter just as much as yours.” It balances empathy and directness: “I hear you, and I’m also telling you these are mine.” Practicing this can build confidence.

Next: boundary setting. People with low self-esteem often struggle with boundaries. A good way to start is to reflect on your values, because values guide boundaries. Identify your limits—things you absolutely cannot stand for or will not do, based on harm or stress you’ve experienced. Saying no doesn’t have to be selfish or unkind. If it doesn’t serve you, and you say yes anyway, you deplete your cup and often end up resentful. Saying no can help people problem-solve, and it can build respect for your boundaries.

A useful tool here is whole-body decision making. Check in with yourself. Take a deep breath, do a brief body scan from head to toes: do you notice pain, tension, temperature change, itch, stress? If what’s being asked causes your body to feel “off,” it may be a limit or not serving you. If your body feels light, excited, or you find yourself smiling, it may serve you.

Next: positive self-talk. This can be controversial, because it can feel unrealistic. It doesn’t have to be grandiose. It can be neutral and fair. Instead of “I’m going to ace this and everyone will love me,” it can be “I’m going to do my best. I’m as prepared as I can be. I hope people get something out of what I’m presenting.” Or “My needs matter just as much as theirs.” Balanced self-talk is easier to believe.

A daily practice: at the end of every day, reflect on things you’re proud of today, what you accomplished, and what was positive about your day. That can increase positive affect, which correlates with higher self-esteem.

Next: practicing gratitude and mindfulness. Gratitude can shift your focus away from the negative parts of life. Mindfulness—being present—can support confidence and grounding. There are many resources, like the Headspace app and series, mindfulness meditations, audiobooks, and daily practices.

Next: self-compassion. This is huge. Two common blocks are distorted guilt and shame. Practicing self-compassion can help you take appropriate responsibility, let go of distorted guilt, and move away from shame. A great resource is Dr. Kristin Neff’s work on self-compassion, including guided exercises and compassion breaks.

Next: attachment. Because attachment is such an important determinant of self-esteem, self-exploration of your attachment style can be really useful. Therapy can help, and a resource is the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. It includes an attachment quiz and explains how attachment develops and impacts relationships.

Next: self-care. This relates to quality time with yourself, but self-care is more active and ideally more regular—daily if possible. It can be physical, intellectual, spiritual, psychological, and emotional. Physical: exercise, diet, sleep. Intellectual: learning, new hobbies, new foods. Spiritual: values, connection to the earth or universe. Psychological/emotional: boundary setting, naming emotions. Journaling can support this too.

Next: connection. Pursuing and nurturing healthy relationships supports self-esteem: acceptance, love, and validation often come through connection with others. Even small connection—sharing something trivial—can help, as long as it’s with someone who doesn’t drain you.

Next: pouring into others. Showing respect and unconditional love is especially important for kids and young people. When they feel valued and worthy, they begin to believe it for themselves. Acknowledging accomplishments, thanking someone, telling them how you feel about them—these support self-esteem.

Finally: processing trauma. Trauma and attachment can be major hits to self-esteem over the course of life. Processing trauma in a safe space can be helpful: therapy, support groups, or other safe environments. Healthy relationships can also be healing for trauma that impacted self-esteem.

That’s all that I have, and I wanted to end on another quote. This is one of my favorite quotes, by Nelson Mandela: “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.” I encourage you to reflect on that. Thank you all for being here and for listening. I hope there’s something you can take from this.

Nicole: Welcome—this was wonderful. If you want to stop screen sharing, I’ll just say goodbye to anybody who can’t join us for a couple of minutes for questions, and just thank you very much for joining us this evening. You are always welcome to join us for these talks. We have a couple—maybe three or so more—coming up before the holidays, and hopefully we’ll get a chance to see you again soon. Thanks for coming.